Old News... :)

I haven't had much time to blog lately. The time has finally come to announce to my blogger friends that I am engaged (in case you hadn't managed to hear from a more personal source yet. :)

On 6 March 2010 my long-time best friend and short-time "boyfriend" Steven Williams asked me to marry him, and I agreed, of course. :)  Our wedding will be 11 June 2010 in Spangle, Washington. So, I probably won't be doing too much on here between now and then--I'm much too busy with all the planning, in addition to job searching and working at the UCA cafeteria.

For those of you who just heard this news, I will tell a short synopsis of the story.

The weekend of the 6th was a UCA music tour, so my parents were both gone, and Steven couldn't come home for the weekend due to music engagements, so I decided to take a trip down to  Walla Walla for the weekend.
After the concert on Sabbath afternoon, Steven took me for a drive in his little Beetle. We drove rather aimlessly around Walla Walla, then decided to find a place to stargaze. This took us a very long time, since there are many houses in the Walla Walla Valley, but finally we found a place that was sufficiently dark and not too dirty to sit in. We stayed there and talked for almost an hour, then got cold and decided to head back.

Steven helped me into the car, and I got settled in my seat. I was turned away, buckling my seatbelt, when Steven knelt down by the car and when I had turned back, said, "Alice Elizabeth Kravig, will you marry me?"  And, of course, I agreed. I didn't stay in the car for very long, either! :)

God is so good to us. We have been pursuing our relationship for almost four years, and there have been many obstacles we have encountered. Yet He has given us the strength to withstand the frustrations and come out stronger than we were before. By God's grace we have come through the seasons of friendship and courtship unscathed and more in love than ever. We have learned what it is to love and to hold on even when it is tough.

Thank you to each of you who have helped us through the past few years. I have talked with many of you, cried on your shoulders, poured out my heart, and I am so thankful to each of you, my friends. Please pray for us as we finish out the last couple of months before our wedding.

Missing Southern

Yesterday afternoon I spent an hour or so reading all the blogs of my dear Southern friends. I savored all your wisdom and drank in the spiritual water shared, drank deeply until my heart ached. As it does now.
Don't laugh at me for filling my blogs with more apologies. I am a dyed-in-the-wool apologiser and it's not likely to change anytime soon. Words do not come as easily to me as they do to some of you, but I want to try to let each of you, my dear friends, know how I feel right now.

I am sorry that, when I had the opportunity to spend time playing games with friends of a Sabbath evening, I chose to stay in  my room and waste time on my computer instead. Thank you, Joel, Ivan, and Kristin, for inviting me to share life with you. I regret that I did not join in.

I am sorry that I counted my sleep more dear than fellowship with hymnsingers. Every hymn-sing I attended was pure joy, and I attended too few.

I am sorry for all the times I ate my meals alone in my room instead of joining in with the friendly tables or taking time to share a table with a lonely stranger. I'm sure that my digestion suffered as a result.

I am sorry for all the times I sat on my bed and watched videos on YouTube instead of talking with my precious roommate. Christy, thank you for bearing with me all semester. When God arranged for us to be roommates He gave me an incredible gift; I regret that I did not appreciate it as I should have. Thank you for your friendship and love. I miss you.

For my self-imposed solitary confinement I apologise to each of you, my dear friends. Rich blessings of fellowship were daily offered me, and I chose instead to fill my time with empty pleasures. Thank you for not giving up on me, but continuing to issue invitations I was likely to refuse.
Now I am done at Southern, and not planning on returning to the East anytime soon, and my heart aches with regret for all the missed opportunities. A wealth of friends were offered me, and I chose not to fully enjoy them. God is restoring my heart, and as He does His work I see more clearly what I have missed.

I must sound an awfully gloomy person. Really I am not! As I take more time to know my God and He restores the joy to my heart, regrets over lost time creep to the surface. By the grace of God, from this point on I will endeavor to live life to the fullest and embrace all the joys and sorrows alike as a blessing of life from my Creator. I thank Him for the richness I can glean from reading my friends' words, and I thank each of my friends for continuing to share life with me, even from thousands of miles away. I love you all.

Smile, make them think you're happy;
Lie and say that things are fine
And hide that empty longing that you feel,
Don't ever show it
Just keep your heart concealed.

Why are the days so lonely?
You wonder when, where can the heart go free?
And who will dry the tears that no one sees?
There must be someone to share your silent dreams.

Caught like a leaf in the wind,
Looking for a friend,
Where can you turn?
Whisper the words of a prayer
And you'll find Him there,
Arms open wide, love in His eyes.

Jesus, He meets you where you are,
Oh Jesus, He heals your secret scars.
All the love you're longing for is Jesus,
The friend of a wounded heart.

Joy comes like the morning,
Hope deepens as you grow,
And peace beyond the reaches of your soul
Comes flowing through you,
For love has made you whole.

Once like a leaf in the wind,
Looking for a friend, where could you turn?
You spoke the words of a prayer,
And you found Him there,
Arms open wide, love in His eyes.

Jesus, He meets you where you are,
Oh Jesus, He heals your secret scars.
All the love you're longing for,
All the love that you need,
Oh is Jesus, the friend of a wounded heart.

~Wayne Watson

Please - Kill the Liar! Part II

I have been needing to write this for weeks but have not been able to. Every time I think of sitting down to begin, I shrink back and put it off another week. 


Why is this so difficult for me?


Because I am a liar.
Confessing this makes me feel very vulnerable, and I am afraid. 

Now don't get me wrong: I'm honest most of the time. I don't tell tall tales or excessively embellish my stories. I answer questions with the truth as I know it and don't tell people I do not know something that I actually know...but I might tell them I don't know even though I have a pretty good suspicion.



When I was young I was spanked for lying more often than for anything else - usually the scenario went something like this: 
       "Alice, did you get into that canteloupe?"
       "What do you mean?"
       "There's a hole poked in the side of the canteloupe. Do you know how it got there?"
       "...mmm...Nooo...I don't know how that got there....That's strange."


My parents could usually see right through me, of course, and I was punished for my untruths.


As I got older, I became better at owning up to my mistakes, but still, if the situation seemed particularly embarrassing or shameful I would hesitate to confess. When I was young, I feared punishment; as I grew older, I feared loss of reputation. I feared disappointing those I loved. So I learned to put on the best front possible so I never appeared to be doing anything wrong. I started to hide things from my friends and my family. To this day I don't know why I was so ashamed to be known. If I had curiosities, why could I not dispel them by asking questions of my parents and teachers? How did I come to believe that I was not really worth knowing? I wish I knew the root of all this so I could somehow remedy it even now.


In moments of introspection I have always thought it ironic that my name is Alice, which means 'truthful' and 'noble', when I am so often neither truthful nor noble. Though I do not often struggle now with outright lying, I still hide. I hide my less-pleasant habits, tendencies, and traits from those who are close to me, and this has caused tension in more than one relationship. I am so afraid that others will think ill of me that I will try to keep them from seeing the real me. I am indebted to those who call me up short on this, because I know that I would be much worse if it were not for friends who care.



But how can I improve? How do I learn to let people see all of me, even the parts I am not proud of? How can I live up to my name and be a noble woman whose word no one has occasion to doubt?



Friends, please forgive me for hiding myself and my flaws, for failing to be entirely open with each of you. I need help. I am a perverse and flawed person, and it is only by the grace of my God that I am able to stand at all. Thank you for loving me in spite of my rottenness.


"I know that I deserve to die / For the murder in my heart, / So be gentle with me, Jesus, / As you tear me apart. // Please, kill the liar, / Kill the thief in me, / You know that I am tired of their cruelty."


Father God, only You can free me from this disease. Teach me to care only for what You think of me and forget the opinions of the world. Show me how to live a life hidden in You so I can stop trying to hide myself. Give me a true love for others, such that I will not dream of hurting them by deception.


Please...kill the liar!

Please - Kill the Liar!

My wonderful roommate recently introduced me to my new favorite song. By J. J. Heller, it is called "Only Love Remains." Here are the words:

Scenes of you come rushing through,
You are breaking me down;
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground.
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart,
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart.

Please, kill the liar,
Kill the thief in me -
You know that I am tired of their cruelty.
Breathe into my spirit,
Breathe into my veins,
Until only love remains.

You burn away the ropes that bind
And hold me to the earth;
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth.
I begin to see reality
For the first time in my life;
I know that I'm a shadow,
But I'm dancing in your light.

Teach me to be humble,
Call me from the grave,
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves.
Breathe into my spirit,
Breathe into my veins,
Until only love remains.

The part that strikes me the hardest, every time I hear it, begins in the last part of the first stanza. "I know that I deserve to die for the murder in my heart....Please, kill the liar, kill the thief in me - You know that I am tired of their cruelty."
How many times have I asked Him to kill the liar and the thief, but then start CPR as soon as He is done?

I am so eager to hold onto all parts of myself, when these parts can only bring me destruction. In The Great Divorce C. S. Lewis tells of man who has a little dragon continually sitting on his shoulder. The dragon fills the man's head with lies about God and Heaven and would send him back to Hell if he could. A shining being appears and, seeing the man in distress, offers to kill the dragon, but the man doesn't want to trouble him. The man is afraid that he will not be able to do without the dragon, afraid that the process will be painful even if the result is good...afraid.... "Can't you just make him quiet?" No, he must be killed. Will you let me kill him?
Finally the man relents.
The shining being takes the dragon and throws him to the ground, and he appears to be dead. Yet, just when the reader thinks the dragon is gone forever, he contorts and stretches and grows and becomes--a magnificent horse! The man looks on in astonishment as he sees his worst enemy become something more wonderful than he could have imagined.

God never kills something just to leave it dead. Every foul attribute we hold in our hearts God is waiting patiently to kill so He can make it into something so much better. His strength is only made perfect (complete) in our weakness. He is not concerned with our strengths - we are glorified in those. God is glorified most fully where we are helpless and weak, because He can create His own character there.

What is God trying to kill in me today?

What's in a name?

The decision to start a weblog was long in coming. I resisted for a long time because I've never liked the name "blog". Makes me think of wet, squishy, smelly places where hopping amphibians live. When I finally decided to create one, I had to decide on a name for it. Perhaps some of my readers will recognize the sources of my URL and title, but I am sure that not all will.

The name comes from the third stanza of a favorite hymn by George Matheson. Here is the text in full.

O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine oceans depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O Light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to Thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in Thy sunshine's blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from Thee;
I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

These words never fail to bring me hope, especially those of the third verse. Our Lord is always seeking to bring us joy (not necessarily happiness), though often we fail to see it. If we keep our hearts open to His leading and keep hope alive, we will not fail to see the rainbow through the dark rainclouds that threaten to obscure our vision.

Lord, upon our blindness Thy pure radiance pour;
For Thy loving-kindness we would love Thee more;
And when clouds are drifting dark across the sky,
Then, the veil uplifting, Father, be Thou nigh.

We will never doubt Thee, though Thou veil Thy light;
Life is dark without Thee, death with Thee is bright.
Light of light, shine o'er us on our pilgrim way,
Go Thou still before us to the endless day.

~William How (SDAH No. 110)