Fasting and Prayer

Sometimes in our lives we come to places where decisions must be made--big ones, that will change everything. When Jesus came to each of His disciples and said, Follow Me, each of them had to make in an instant a decision that would change their life forever. Some failed to decide, like the rich young ruler, who couldn't part with his riches. Others who apparently failed had harder tests because the things they were afraid to leave behind were good, like family. I mean, really, Jesus wouldn't let the man go home and bury his father? That seems like the ultimate in heartlessness to me. But God knows our hearts. He knows what test will be the final one for each of us, and we have no way of knowing if our test will be big, like selling all we have and giving to the poor, or little, like choosing not to eat something that is harmful (or even not best for us.) Because it is the little decisions every day that add up to a life of consecrated obedience.

Our family is fasting today. Our lives may be about to change in a significant way, a way that will finally make sense of all the painful struggles we have been facing for the last few years. For once all the little things will fall into place, and we will see our lives in a new light, the light of our cross.

The working of God in each person's life is so different that sometimes it seems unfair. Why are some people blessed with money to burn while others must scrape by on very little? Why are some people called to a life of ease and comfort while others must toil hard for the Master? We are beginning to see the working of God in our own lives, and I would like to share a little of that with you, my friends.

When Steven and I married, I was far from God. I still went through most of the motions of Christianity, but my heart was elsewhere. I had made an idol of marriage and motherhood, and for a while God let me go on my merry way. But I was unhappy. Steven and I argued often, and there were times when only the vows we had made to one another held us together. Our son was born, and for a few weeks we basked in the tired glow of new parenthood. But when Grant was diagnosed with a problem that prevented his nursing well, we were thrown into a new struggle that we never imagined. My thyroid got inflamed and the hormonal imbalances I experienced made it so I couldn't lose weight. I gained instead, and felt so horrible about myself I struggled with depression often. I would try new exercise programs and eating plans, but nothing seemed to help. All this went on for nearly two years. We wanted desperately to conceive another child, but month after month we were disappointed. I felt healthy, and fostered pride in my heart because I had not gotten fat by gluttony, but I continued to be denied the thing I most wanted, another chance at motherhood.
We realized when Grant was a little over a year old that we needed to be fostering his spiritual growth, so we began having family worship. This was the beginning of the path upward for us.
Last winter when my dear friend Caitlin's struggle with cancer intensified, the fragility of life and importance of living it for God was brought home to me. When she went to sleep in Jesus on the first day of spring last year I was heartbroken. She was like a sister to me (and to many others!) and I realized that there was nothing I wanted more than to be in Heaven one day, where none of us will ever be separated again.

From this point, God began working on my heart. I had been reading my Bible faithfully for a few months, and through the summer the Holy Spirit kept nudging me toward a deeper change of heart and obedience. At the end of the summer I yielded to the prompting I had been pushing away for years to make a certain change in my outward appearance that would mark me as a Christian. (I will elaborate on this in a future post.) Since this time, my prayer life has blossomed in a way I never imagined. I am still far from where I should be in my walk of faith, but I pray that I daily may be closer to what God wants for me.

Last fall our family returned to former convictions and began eating once again a total vegetarian, whole foods diet. We have experienced great benefits from this! I have lost over thirty pounds of excess weight (and still dropping!), and none of us has been ill this winter. I was also humbled by a diagnosis of polycystic ovary syndrome, a genetic condition that is exacerbated by excess weight, and am making further changes in my life to combat this so we can have our heart's desire of another child if it is God's will.

God has been leading us over the last few years into smaller and smaller homes, and each time we have had to shed junk in order to fit into the new space. Now we believe God may be leading us into mission work, something we have always, even in our fallen-away times, desired to do, and the reason for this shedding is becoming clear!

And this is the reason we are fasting today. We have asked that God would clearly open or shut doors so that we could know where He wants us. Steven does not want to run away from his current position as there is certainly good we can do here, but he also does not want to stay if this is not where God wants us. Things are rapidly coming to a breaking point here, and we should know by tomorrow if we are to go or stay. Please pray for us as we are waiting on the Lord. This may be painful, and we will need strength to do what we are asked.

I am working on memorizing this poem. I thought I would share it with you as it has been meaningful to me and speaks to our situation right now. Read it slowly, out loud if possible. I pray it touches your heart as it has mine.

Sometime, when all life's lessons have been learned,
And sun and stars forevermore have set,
The things which our weak judgments here have spurned,
The things o'er which we grieved with lashes wet,
Will flash before us out of life's dark night,
As stars shine most in deeper tints of blue;
And we shall see how all God's plans are right,
And how what seemed reproof was love most true.

And we shall see how, while we frown and sigh,
God's plans go on as best for you and me;
How when we called, He heeded not our cry,
Because His wisdom to the end could see.
And e'en as prudent parents disallow
Too much of sweet to craving babyhood,
So God, perhaps, is keeping from us now
Life's sweetest things, because it seemeth good.

And if, sometimes, commingled with life's wine,
We find the wormwood and rebel and shrink,
Be sure a wiser hand than yours or mine
Pours out the potion for our lips to drink;
And if some friend we love is lying low, 
Where human kisses cannot reach his face,
Oh, do not blame the loving Father so,
But wear your sorrow with obedient grace.

And you shall shortly know that lengthened breath
Is not the sweetest gift God sends His friend,
And that, sometimes, the sable pall of death
Conceals the fairest boon His love can send.
If we could push ajar the gates of life,
And stand within, and all God's workings see,
We could interpret all this doubt and strife, 
And for each mystery could find a key.

But not today. Then be content, poor heart;
God's plans like lilies pure and white unfold;
We must not tear the close-shut leaves apart;
Time will reveal the calyces of gold.
And if, through patient toil, we reach the land,
Where tired feet, with sandals loosed, may rest,
When we shall clearly see and understand,
I think that we shall say, "God knew the best."

May Riley Smith,
'Sometime'

Lord, we are waiting on You. Teach us patience so we can rest in your will and not wrest and struggle against your plans. Forgive us for blaming our problems on you and proudly declaring that our problems are not our fault. Give us the strength to accept your will for us, whatever it may be, and teach us to find our deepest joy in obedience to your word.